when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
