I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize