Life is so much better after having sex.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
