You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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