just survived the first fart of the relationship.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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