We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
