Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
