god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
