Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
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