I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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