highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
did i walk over a car last night?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize