so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize