There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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