the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I am naked and annoyed.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize