I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
the raccoons are back...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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