Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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