so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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