Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
