my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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