i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
whose parrot is this?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
