i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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