the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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