dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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