areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
