I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize