I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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