sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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