You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
