my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
