I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
