Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
