dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
