Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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