she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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