Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
