Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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