Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
