I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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