i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
