lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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