My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize