When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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