My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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