apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
