i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
