remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
