Need sex. Gaining weight.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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