I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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