the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
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