Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
