so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
