Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
