I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
