so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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