my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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