Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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