There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
