I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
There's always time for handjobs
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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