i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
