I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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