Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize