y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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